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Advent Calendar Anticipating scenes behind a door Denotes December. 'Tis the month when we View advent calendars, with twenty-four Emerging symbols of festivity. Not needing cash, our calendar is still The antidote to living costs, whose rise Can dampen Christmas spirit if a bill Arrives; our calendar still mollifies Lean years. Though opened many times before, Each door surprises us anew this year: Noel lights, holly, sleigh rides, choirs and more Delight us when again they reappear— An Advent calendar's simplicity Reminding us that Christmas spirit's free! (First published on 3rd December, 2023 in the Creativity Webzine.) |
Day-One Dictator Dictator Donald isn't who I'd be— Although Day One would have to be exempt: You'd let me close the border, whether sea Or land or air, allow me to pre-empt No-drilling zones, and countenance a law Exonerating any sitting prez Detained unfairly by malicious jaw In Washington from what the rap sheet says. Concluding my Day One would be an act That gives a sitting prez the right to jail All liberals who question MAGA fact Too often, and replace them with a hail Of yes-men ... Then I'd be the savior who Returned the Constitution by Day Two! (First published on 1st January, 2024 in Oddball Magazine. Story here) |
The Optimal Butt The optimal butt measurements for males Had not been well defined, until five glute Enhancers' would-be patients picked the tails On photographs of males they found most cute. Posterior analysis laid bare The perfect bum. Two thirds as high as wide, Its forward angle from the crack to where Male buttocks start was sixty. From the side, Ass overhang was perfect when it spanned Less than a fifth of height ... The bottom line: Beholders plumped for moderation and, Untouched by surgeons' knives, your cheeks define The best for you—but if they're redesigned, The tailor's is the cut to get behind! (First published in Light on 18th December, 2023 as one of the Poems of the Week. Story here) |
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Welsh Tidy Mouse While many humans, Rodney, hanker to Exterminate us mice, you have no fear Long-whiskered creatures might invade chez vous. Since you installed no mousetraps, Rodney, near Home entry points, you made me welcome, so, To show my gratitude, I cleared the mess Inside your garden shed as quid pro quo. Day after day, you let the bench regress. Yet every morning after, I restore My order, leaving you to wonder who On earth can stand this mindless daily chore— Us mice can, Rodney, clean-up's what we do! ... Should humans not ban mousetraps from their house, Enabling service from a tidy mouse? (First published on 22nd January, 2024 in Oddball Magazine. Story here) |
Old Dodecahedra Our forebears, who had impish Roman minds, Left old dodecahedra in the ground. Dig experts, who seek purpose in such finds, Doubt any known hypothesis is sound: Old candleholders? No. Old Rome used oil. Dice made for gambling? No. They wouldn't roll. Et cetera ... These objects, rife in soil, Could earn no mention in a Roman scroll. An oversight of scholars? Maybe. Or, Had Romans pranked posterity instead, Endowing it with objects solely for Discreetly messing with an expert's head, Repaying nosy future diggers well Ahead of time? There's just no way to tell! (First published in Light on 29th January, 2024 as one of the Poems of the Week. Story here) |
Bread And Butter Before promoting Meat-Free Monday food, Reflect: a livelihood from cutting-edge Excisions is the future you've pursued, And butchers' bread and butter isn't veg. Don't bang the drum for ultra-processed leaf And bean if daily bread's from beef.com. No meat's not healthier. And where but beef Does bread and butter get its butter from? Be mindful you're a farm trainee. Don't bash Us farmers with your gimmick: it's not true That livestock farming turns the earth to ash. The farm will fight the changing climate through Exhaust controls on cows—unless they're gone ... Relearn which side your bread is buttered on! (First published on 12th February, 2024 in Oddball Magazine. Story here) |