Limericks for 1999
Will jellyfish genes in a monkey
Called George, make the monkey act funky —
Look see-through in water
Have stings he'd not oughtta
And wobble on land like a drunkie?
(December, 1999)
Once a Julia Butterfly Hill
Spied a redwood tree loggers would kill ...
So she lived in its peak
For two years and a week —
Now she's spared it the dread lumber mill!
(December, 1999)
A kitten's mew couldn't be truer
'Twas trapped in a vent pipe ... No fewer
Than firefighters three
Came to hack kitty free —
But a Cuban tree frog was the mewer!
(December, 1999: A Brevard County homeowner ended up with a
gaping hole in her wall.)
Once a brilliant fellow called Nash
Proved a theorem on games in a flash:
Equilibrium play
Must exist, did he say —
If not strategies pure, then a hash!
(November, 1999: Apparently, Nash's first paper on
noncooperative game theory was received by the Proceedings of the
National Academy of Sciences on November 16, 1949.)
A Tyre man was not destituter
By barber or Lotto computer
To trade half his ticket
For shaving his thicket ...
But wished he'd stayed two times hirsuter!
(November, 1999: The ticket won $134,000 — so the shave
cost $67,000!)
A Heisman contender called Warrick
Has football fans less than euphoric:
For armloads of raiments
He left just down payments ...
The rest, as they say, is historic!
(October, 1999)
Rocket scientists orbiting bars
May have lately downed too many jars ...
'Cos if math starts to slur
Then trajectories err —
And it's hard to fly spacecraft on Mars!
(October, 1999)
Once a rat who read Science online
Lived right sprightly till age ninety-nine
'Cos he knew from the stats
That he shouldn't eat fats —
And instead he drank blueberry wine!
(September, 1999)
Leonardo Da Vinci's art funder
For cannons, the bronze had to plunder ...
But, though much belated,
The art's now created —
A giant equestrian wonder!
(September, 1999)
Some scientists studying aging
Who claim life's prolonged by low phaging
Are wrong — don't you heed 'em ...
The secret is freedom:
A thin mouse can slip through its caging!
(August, 1999)
"I was once irresponsibly young"
Quipped George W. — then bit his tongue ...
"No, I won't play that game ...
On that early time frame
I won't say if I'd dope in my lung!"
(August, 1999)
The bad news this month? Still there's nary a
Disease than which this one is scarier ...
The good news? — some boffins
Have pledged to stop coffins
With vaccine to wipe out malaria!
(July, 1999)
You don't have to be a detective
To know cigarettes are defective ...
But smokers' ill health
Brought tobacco such wealth
It took years for a jury's directive!
(July, 1999)
"Dearest nephew, my words I won't mince"
Said Duke Wessex, "that scowl makes me wince ...
So my digital ace
Has deleted your face
And will paste in the smile of a prince!"
(June, 1999)
In eighth grade, to spell logorrhea
Ain't everyone's winning idea ...
'Cos learning delayed
Till the twentieth grade
Is an opsimath's philosophia!"
(June, 1999)
On Memorial Day, an old Vet
Tried his uniform on for a bet ...
As he strained to look thin
He said, "Sucking me in
Helps remember my army corps set!"
(May, 1999)
Who LED IN THE AIR GAMBLE made?
Who rued a LAME HIT IN BELGRADE?
Is IT DEALING HER BLAME?
("HAD BELLIGERENT AIM!") ...
Scrabbles MADELEINE ALBRIGHT has played!
(May, 1999)
An actress called Lucci on cable
Whose Emmy near misses are fable
Played Erica Kane
Eighteen years without gain —
But the nineteenth confirms Kane was able!
(May, 1999)
A diner's most privileged client
Called "Waiter, my soup's got a fly in't!" ...
"We know, Mr Prez"
Said the waiter, "he says
Mr Starr's office hired him to spy in't!"
(May, 1999)
Salt Lake City is on the alert
For an aircraft that's dumping its dirt ...
But an airline has blamed
A strange dinosaur, named
Saurandropitryx by their ex-pert!
(May, 1999)
At Los Angeles Zoo there's a crop
Of chimp pregnancies no one can stop ...
Yet, of males in the fold
Two are toddlers, one's old
And the others have all had the chop!
(May, 1999)
Non Accurate Tomahawks Offloading
Non Armed Targets Overexploding
Not Apt To Outjoust
Nohow Able To Oust ...
Each an accurate NATO decoding!
(May, 1999)
A most beautiful star called Michelle
On the rack will make People mag sell ...
But the rack she'd prefer
Is the kind to stretch her —
'Cos her leg-lengths, she says, don't excel!
(May, 1999)
If theories you ate high are porous
Why such a long neck, Brontosaurus? ...
Perhaps it affords
You the long vocal cords
To sing bass in a dinosaur chorus!
(April, 1999)
"Who goes there?" called St. Pete ... "Stop that din —
Needn't knock if you're cleansed of your sin ...
Slob Milosevic? — Hey,
Go to Hell right away!" ......
"Sir, I did — but they won't let me in!"
(April, 1999)
A topless Floridian female
Once jilted an AT&T male ...
Of vengeance desirous
He made her a virus
And fully exposed it by email!
(April, 1999)
When the church bell at six tolled its dirge
Easter chicks were all meant to emerge ...
But there wasn't a peep —
They were all sound asleep
Changing clocks had killed all waking urge!
(April, 1999)
On April the First, a professor
Whose lesson grew lesser and lesser
With each dummy found
Had been fooled by the sound
During roll, of a tape going "Yessir!"
(April, 1999)
Roberto Benigni's ovation
For acting that turned concentration
Camps' ugliest strife
Into beautiful life
Made him stand on his chair with elation!
(March, 1999)
D'ya hope your new-century babe'll
Be born with that First of Jan label?
Then, experts relate,
April 9 is a date
To reserve for romance if you're able!
(March, 1999)
Be the match made in heaven or hell,
Who could date a renowned ne'er-do-well?
But a famous no-use? ...
Someone, please introduce
Kato Kaelin to Monica L!
(March, 1999)
Conversation I heard after class:
"Why's the bookstore so crowded?" ... "I pass" ...
"There's a book they all want" ...
"Of course — Monica's on't" ...
"No — they're snapping up Walt's 'Leaves of Grass'!"
(March, 1999)
MO'S CARNOSITY tainted Bill's glory
But a poll doubts the COST'S ANY (MORI) ...
Says she, "AY, I'M NOT CROSS
But I'M NO RACY TOSS!" ...
Permutations of MONICA'S STORY
(March, 1999: carnosity = "fleshiness" — first definition
in both Webster's and the OED)
The billions owed at its audit
Have earned the tax office no plaudit ...
What cheats IRS
Are accounts in a mess —
And itself best knows how to defraud it!
(March, 1999)
Will history books find it fittin'
Posterity reads Bill was smitten
By Monica L? ...
Or will books never tell? —
'Cos in history, oral's unwritten!
(February, 1999)
Two Alzheimer patients, the Glovers
Said, snuggling up under the covers:
"Our crow's feet are crumpling
But — sweet Sugar Dumpling —
Forget not we're Valentine lovers!
(February, 1999)
Grandiloquent Old Politicians
Gainsaying Outmoded Positions
Grill Oral Provider ...
Get Ousted, Presider! ...
Four new GOP definitions
(February, 1999)
Compartmentalization's the key
To the Bill Clinton presidency ...
There's a Monica box
One for Congress and Socks —
And a matchbox for poor Hillary!
(February, 1999)
When the temperature's 40 degrees
Below zero, conversion's a breeze
From the Fahrenheit scale
To the Celsius ... they'll
Show an equal amount of hard freeze!
(January, 1999)
"Who needs calculus, Click?" ranted Clack
"Differentials are gears at the back
And a limit's a speed
That you cannot exceed —
So what use is this calculus track?"
Answered Click, "Knowing calculus, Clack
Helped them optimize speed of attack
And direction of hit
As they skewered your skit
By bombarding your Web
site with flak!"
(January, 1999)
Said a bank tycoon's children in Truro —
Busy pulping Dutch notes from his bureau
With lira, French francs,
Punts and marks from his banks —
"Daddy, look! ... We are making you euro!"
(January, 1999)
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