Other Limericks

    (in alphabetical order by last word of first line)
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  1. Marseillaise: France's national an-thum
    Is a tune that all day you could hum
    Though Le Pétomane's said
    To have not used his head ...
    For the sound came straight out of his back!
  2. It often does appear
    If you've drunk lots of beer
    That what you see
    Looks quite blur-ree
    And when you walk you veer!
  3. No zebras did board Noah's ark
    Only horses, two white, and two dark
    But for forty black nights
    There were no bedroom lights
    Which caused zebras galore to disbark!
  4. Two colonels, between desert bases
    Once ordered their men: "Stop—oasis!"...
    Their wise entourage
    Saw instead a mirage—
    And then watched both splash sand on their faces!
  5. A young emigrant, Paddington Bear,
    From Peru reached West London by air.
    There the Browns were all conned
    By an author called Bond
    Into giving him permanent care!
  6. An extraterrestrial being—
    No earthling—had noses for seeing
    And smelled with an ear
    But used eyeballs to hear
    What folks screamed up his nostrils while fleeing!
  7. When you're bulging with flesh on the bone
    And too heavy by more than a stone,
    Your unshapely dad bod
    And a proud-father pod-
    Cast are made for each other to own!

  8. Missy Horn's little baby was born
    Neath an oak tree one fine summer morn,
    When she said, "Wise oak tree
    Plant a babe's name on me"—
    And what fell was a baby "Ake Horn!"
  9. There was once an explorer called Burke,
    Whose lamp died in the Outback's night murk.
    So he said to his band:
    "Men, all raise your right hand" ...
    Light returned—many hands make light work!
  10. Twenty thousand leagues under the C
    Known as middle—as deep as can be—
    Paint Your Wagon's best bar
    Song, called Wanderin' Star,
    Was intoned by a Marvin called Lee!
  11. An eight-nostrilled man in Cancun
    Blows his nose-organ nicely in tune
    Till the ragweeds first bloom
    When he suffers from rheum
    So he plays a mouth-organ in June!
  12. An Englishman, name of Carruthers,
    Would often say, "Had I my druthers" ...
    But, given his way,
    He would choose to delay—
    He just rather'd the druthers of others!
  13. Said the Hare to the Tortoise, "Dear chap,
    I can catch you with ease, so I'll nap" ...
    Round a bend, Tortoise crept
    While the Hare overslept—
    And then lost, 'cos he can't read a map!
  14. An eagle whose wings had been clipped
    From the clippings made quills, which he dipped
    In indelible ink
    On the door of the bird clippers' crypt!
  15. Were a brain salesman's prices confused? ...
    "Einstein's: 25 cents," he enthused
    "For this pol's: twenty grand" ...
    No, those prices were planned—
    The politico's hadn't been used!
  16. An Austrian boa constrictor—
    A lover of Mozart, ein dichter—
    Unwound after killing
    His victims by chilling
    To music on RCA Victor!
  17. Once a chemist I knew, Molly Cule
    Taught atomic collisions in school
    Bouncing hard colored balls
    Off rectangular walls ...
    Now she's tripled her pay, playing pool!
  18. What's a godwit? The bird I define
    Has evolved with a wader's design:
    Two long legs, a long bill—
    But it sounds to me still
    Like a comic whose jokes are divine!

  19. Murphy's Limerick Law I define:
    You've decided your limerick's divine ...
    Since it can't be improved
    To your website it's moved—
    Then you think of a much better line!
  20. When it's well below 0 degrees
    On the Celsius scale and your trees
    Drip with icicles, you
    Can be sure what you view
    Are the signs that attend a hard freeze!

  21. When the temperature's 40 degrees
    Below zero, conversion's a breeze
    From the Fahrenheit scale
    To the Celsius—they'll
    Both show 40 degrees of hard freeze!

  22. A cockroach who left a deposit
    Had vanished straight into the closet,
    But later emerged
    And was instantly purged ...
    Well, that was the same one, right? ... or was it?
  23. A dysfunctional diarist called Depys
    Didn't log deeds in years that were leaps ...
    Thus three fourths of his acts
    Became widely known facts—
    While a fourth are still secrets he keeps!
  24. Once two goatherds, who ever did dote
    On each other, when wed, signed this note:
    "To mix herds would be wrong" ...
    Thus their love lasted long—
    Because neither one got t'other's goat!
  25. When Pythagoras suffered bad dreams
    He saw roof beams collapse at the seams
    And crash down on his proof
    That the square of the roof
    Is the sum of the squares of its beams!
  26. Why are cheers in advance of a drink
    Like a window where prisoners think?
    'Cos the one comes to pass
    As the clink of a glass
    While the other is glass in the clink!
  27. I saw roofers up fixing the eaves
    At the bank, while a gardener raked leaves
    And a plumber found fault
    With the pipes near the vault ...
    Oh, now wait—you don't say I saw thieves?
  28. Convicted of endless end-stopping,
    A poet now uses such whopping
    Enjambments, each sentence
    Embodies repentance—
    With length that leaves eyes truly popping!

  29. Technology's way of enhancing
    Philosophy's means of advancing:
    A lens to zoom in
    On the head of a pin
    To count how many angels are dancing!
  30. A scandalous hermit called Esau
    Would bounce every visitor he saw.
    For Esau, this scandal
    Was child's play to handle—
    He lived all alone on a see-saw!
  31. An intergalactic explorer
    While sleeping, was such a loud snorer
    Astronomers heard
    Her and wrongly inferred
    A new radio-wavelength aurora!
  32. Despite HMS Pinafore's fame
    Captain Corcoran's losing the game
    Till his true rank is known
    To be Buttercup's own
    While his daughter's and Ralph's are the same!
  33. A firenado—a vortex in fire,
    Pirouettes spun in ballet attire
    And a whirlpool at sea
    Are examples, all three,
    Of rotation that counts as a gyre!

  34. If the last line's the same as the first,
    Edward Lear thought, whenever he versed,
    Then you needn't spend time
    Finding three words that rhyme—
    'Cos the last line's the same as the first!
  35. I once knew a pig who could fly (*)
    From the abattoir back to his sty
    He was such a sharp dasher
    He never made rasher
    Nor ever became a pork pie!
  36. A clairvoyant in Kansas, See Far
    Said, "I'll go for a spin in my car" ...
    When, soon after, a twister
    Descended, his sister
    Said, "My—how prophetic you are!"
  37. "Hey, waiter, my soup's got a fly in!
    No—two, three, and fast multiplyin'!" ...
    "Have salad instead,
    Diner, flies will be dead—
    Our lettuce contains malathion!"

  38. Exotic means strikingly foreign,
    Like rabbits who keep a chaste warren,
    Or Scots in cold weather
    Who cover their nether
    Parts only with kilt and a sporran!

  39. A goldfish whom circling frustrated
    Had from a good school graduated,
    With hopes of high rank
    In an upscale fish tank—
    For a bowl, he's just too educated!
  40. Once a knight, called Sir Menper, did go
    In a lake to save damsels in woe.
    Then he lit a huge fire
    That would dry their attire—
    Horse is wet, Menper's pyre, ladies glow!
  41. Voluptuous Lady Godiva
    Rode nude down a Coventry drive. A
    Harsh tax was made void—
    But her protest destroyed
    The voyeur Peeping Tom's conjunctiva!
  42. A parrot called Alex the Great
    Is renowned for the size of his pate
    He knows different from same
    And all colors by name
    And is able to count up to eight!
  43. Hemispherical domes meet the ground
    In a circle that's perfectly round,
    From whose centre a line
    To the dome, by design,
    Has the same length wherever it's found!
  44. From the soles of my feet to the hair
    On my head—which I swear is still there—
    Is my height, though it's less
    Than my passports profess,
    Since I've shrunk from six decades of wear!
  45. Once a marathon runner called Hart
    Ate a big can of beans at the start
    And for many a mile
    Had the most relaxed style ...
    Being powered along by his feet!
  46. An explorer, so cool under heat
    In a cannibal's pot, sang such sweet
    Bedtime songs, his guard dozed ...
    Till their roles were transposed—
    One man's poise 'n' another man's meat!
  47. A hegemon's lever and pulley
    Wield power to dominate fully.
    But use of the word
    Dulls a truth I've inferred:
    That a hegemon's really a bully!
  48. A Florida boater called Hockney
    Saw mermaids on River Ochlockonee ...
    He didn't capsize—
    But he's blind in both eyes
    From their looks, and has permanent knock-knee!

  49. Oh, Danny Boy, damn your installing!
    The pipework you plumbed in my walling
    Has burst and has drowned me ...
    So, when you have found me,
    You'll learn that the pipes weren't your calling!

  50. Once a feller with logs in a jam
    Cursed the beaver who caused it: "Hell, scram!
    You dumb rodent," bawled he,
    "You're obstructing my tree ..."
    Yelled the beaver, "Do I give a dam?"
  51. A logomachist said, feeling jerks
    As he drove over potholes: "This irks
    Me to great stupefaction—
    The road's out of action ...
    But signs still inform me ROAD WORKS!"
  52. A palatial glass dome housed Queen Joan's
    Royal chair, showing all its fine stones ...
    Till a storm blew away
    What she sat on—they say,
    Folks in glass houses shouldn't stow thrones!
  53. Once a pilot of choppers called Joe
    Had a lawn that he hated to mow ...
    Now he flattens his green
    With his rotored machine
    Just by hovering over it low!
  54. Once a lisper, on tour in Khartoum
    Asked the Hilton to find him a room
    In his style—which, he said,
    Meant the room should be red ...
    Now a soon-to-be-mom calls him "Gwoom!"
  55. This wee bonnie Irish young lass (*)
    Who'd read Einstein as well as Laplace
    Used equations to prove
    That when leprechauns move
    They have no gravitational mass!
  56. Once a chap with a headache, named Lee,
    Took his car for a drive by the sea,
    Which stopped pain in his brain.
    Said his wife, "Please explain."
    "I had Mot'rin and water," said he!

  57. A Methodist preacher called Leslie
    Discovered a phrase in John Wesley:
    "The rock of the church" ...
    Now through sermons he'll lurch
    As his choirboys perform Elvis Presley!
  58. To exude, or to ooze, is to let
    Slowly out what's unpleasantly wet,
    Be it unctuous charm,
    Sweat from under an arm
    Or the mould in a damp oubliette!

  59. Limerick quality varies a lot
    Some are clever, and others are not.
    Some are hits, others miss.
    Dull and boring, like this,
    And the worst have no plot—not a jot!
  60. A mathematician called Madder,
    Whose snake scared his wife up a ladder,
    Was asked by her, "Pray—
    Can you take it away?"
    He replied, "No, I can't ... it's an adder!"
  61. Desdemona, a virtuous maid
    Loved Othello, whom Iago betrayed
    When his words of deceit
    Made her look like a cheat—
    She got strangled to death while she prayed!
  62. While doing the Heimlich manoeuvre
    In Boston, the squeezer, called Hoover,
    Expelled food unswallowed
    So hard, it was followed
    By choking a yawn in Vancouver!
  63. A practical joker, McCarty,
    In life had been healthy and hearty ...
    "I'm shocked," friends all said
    At his wake, "that he's dead"—
    Then he rose, and said "Thanks for the party!"
  64. The best part is right in the middle (*)
    Whatever you do, what you did'll
    Seem worse, fore and aft—
    Which is why the dog laughed
    'Twixt the dish and the cat with the fiddle!
  65. "The best part is right in the middle," (*)
    King Alfred said, dousing the griddle ...
    "The bottoms and tops
    Of my cakes are burnt flops
    But the rest you can eat—well, a liddle!"
  66. A mechanic, who misunderstood,
    Used the dipstick to prop up the hood,
    While he fixed an old wreck.
    Then he did an oil check ...
    Bang!—That headache has taught him real good!
  67. A contemplative life is a monk's.
    He's alone every night as he bunks,
    But consoled by this thought:
    He's at least not distraught
    By performance-anxiety flunks!
  68. "My love to you three," wrote Narcissus
    "Dear husband of my very missus,
    Dear sister's sole brother,
    Dear son of my mother—
    I lavish on all of you kisses!"
  69. A mathematician called Newton
    While under a tree that was fruitin'
    Got hit by an apple—
    Which forced him to grapple
    With gravity needin' computin'!

  70. What did Einstein, while driving one night
    At a speed so much faster than light
    In his mirror observe
    That near caused him to swerve? ...
    His very own headlights, on bright!
  71. Sighed a fortified wine drinker, Norm,
    While confined by a gale to his dorm:
    "Since my old wine's run dry,
    And it's not safe to buy,
    I'll drink new—any port in a storm!"
  72. The Guardian and the Observer
    Supply Britain's liberal fervor
    The Telegraph, Times
    Echo old Tory chimes
    And the Sun is the day's pin-up server!
  73. An anonymous poet online
    Was a couple, not out to malign
    But who since College Trig
    Hadn't rhymed with a sig
    'Cos they cringed to hear "sign" or "cosign"!
  74. Once a rooster, whom day shifts made scowl,
    Yearned to stay up all night like an owl ...
    Now he crows before bed
    At a distant cliff head—
    And the echo at dawn wakes his fowl!
  75. In a movie called Wizard of Oz
    Tin Man's joints and emotions are froz
    Till they oil every part,
    He discovers his heart ...
    And the witch who is wicked, now was!
  76. There's a question designed to perplex: (*)
    Why giraffes have such very long necks!
    Is it mainly to see?
    Or eat treetops for tea? ...
    Or have more room in dating for pecks?
  77. Julie Andrews and Christopher Plummer
    Were a nun and a captain one summer ...
    Till kids' song inspired love,
    Nazi push came to shove
    And they marched to the refugee's drummer!
  78. Mathematics: of sciences, queen
    Electronics: technology's dean ...
    Yet each bows in great awe
    When it meets Murphy's Law—
    Still the ruler of earthly routine!
  79. Mathematics—of Sciences, Queen—
    Could not add or subtract as a teen ...
    So she grabbed with both arms
    At Technology's charms
    And begat the computing machine!
  80. Once a nearsighted cleric, from Queens, (*)
    Based his sermons on porn magazines,
    Kept beyond focal length,
    Where he read but a tenth
    Of the words—he ad-libbed from the scenes!
  81. Once a nearsighted cleric from Queens (*)
    Lived off pardoning rich libertines,
    Who feared scandal released
    If absolved by a priest
    Who could see through confessional screens!
  82. Once a nearsighted cleric from Queens, (*)
    Who would confiscate lewd magazines,
    O'er which later he pored,
    Felt a bolt from the Lord
    Zap his specs. They are now smithereens!
  83. Once a snail doffed its shell for a race
    And wore paint as disguise in its place.
    With no shell on its back,
    It outdistanced the pack—
    But got fined for not keeping snail's pace!
  84. Will the letters of NEW DOOR re-meld
    So precisely ONE WORD can be spelled?
    Rearrange, NOW REDO ...
    What—O, WONDER!—it's true
    Neither borrowed NOR OWED, but upheld!

    (My response to a colleague who sent the following email message: Can you rearrange the letters in NEW DOOR to make one word?)

  85. An unfortunate rooster called Rex
    With two goose genes on chromosome X
    Has to honk at first light ...
    But don't laugh at his plight—
    'Cos the other gene codes for goose pecks!
  86. If in traffic I'm stuck, on the road,
    I see guys lose their patience a load
    But while they blow their stacks
    I just calmly relax
    And I think up another bad ode
  87. Once a mathematician who said,
    "Well, at Cambridge my prospects seem dead,"
    Found a Guinness career—
    Putting foam on a beer—
    Was the way to be getting ahead!

    (Story here)

  88. A recaptured malfeasant called Sam
    Told the judge his escape was no scam
    'Cos he'd now reformed fully ...
    The judge said, "Sounds woolly"—
    Said Sam, "Well, I've been on the lam!"
  89. Once an ass who liked sonnets, I saw
    Go "hee-haw" in fourteens, without flaw
    But another donkey
    Liked the limerick, and he
    Went "haw-haw," then "hee-hee," and then "haw"!
  90. Watching April in Paris on screen
    Don't you wonder if Putnam's so green
    'Cos the scarecrow he was
    In The Wizard of Oz
    Left some straw where just brains should have been?
  91. Twenty Thousand Leagues Under the Sea:
    Science fiction from last century
    In which author Jules Verne
    Could so clearly discern
    Submarines would one day come to be!
  92. Twenty thousand leagues under the sea
    On the Nautilus, prisoners three
    Were Conseil and the prof
    And Ned Land ... till hurled off
    Nemo's sub by the maelstrom's debris
  93. Twenty thousand leagues under the sea
    Play their soccer games Sundays at three
    To a chorus of "Ref! ...
    Can't you hear? ... Are you deaf? ...
  94. A grammarian challenged: "What sense
    Hath the future pluperfect past tense?
    None at all, I declare!" ...
    But I answered his dare:
    Grandma's will had had orders for hence!"
  95. Johnny Carson's most famous late show
    Has Ed Ames do a tomahawk throw.
    Though Ed's scalping, in fact,
    Leaves the top skin intact,
    When Ed aims, his foe's scalped—from below!
  96. A nubile young Finn who went skiing
    Raced boyfriends down hill ere agreeing
    To any proposin' ...
    Now dozens lie frozen—
    While she's still an un-attached being!
  97. A nubile young Finn who went skiing
    Stark naked, has courts disagreeing
    One judge is for jail ...
    But another—a male—
    Is for crime reconstruction, then seeing!
  98. A jokester had only just started
    His mule, when it broke loose and darted
    Away out of sight
    'Cos the rope wasn't tight ...
    A mule from his funny's soon parted!
  99. A philosopher, finding a stone,
    Posed the question: How far was it thrown?
    Though he couldn't decide,
    He deduced it implied
    He existed—and wasn't alone!
  100. Once a mumbler, who wanted to stop
    Dropping letters and such, booked an op
    With, he thought, "a neurologist" ......
    Alas, an urologist
    Heard "litters"—and so he went chop!
  101. If your light turns to red and you stop
    You won't care who hides back of a shop
    But if you race on through
    Your next light may be blue
    Flashing "Stop!" on the top of a cop!
  102. A judge, whose extreme superstition
    So distanced him from the logician,
    In March, hiked each day,
    Gave permissions in May
    And in August showed stately condition!
  103. Why were cops very quick to surprise
    Hungry burglars who ate corn and fries? ...
    'Cos wherever they'd been
    They'd been heard and been seen—
    Corn has ears, and potatoes have eyes!
  104. A lecture on love by two swamis
    So raptured two kissing gouramis
    Whenever they pucker
    They make such a sucker
    Their fish tank's engulfed by tsunamis!
  105. An illiterate cleric called Ted
    Was mailed sermons that could have been read
    Out by someone who reads.
    But Ted couldn't read screeds—
    He ad-libbed what he thought they'd have said!

  106. Once an archer called William Tell
    Aimed his bow at an apple so well
    That he sliced it in two ...
    Then his son a tree grew—
    On his head, 'cos that's where the pips fell!
  107. Some friends of a spendthrift, Teresa
    Rechristened her Tower of Pisa
    'Cos the lean on the wall
    Of the tower is small
    When compared to the lien on her Visa!
  108. To procrastinate steals all your time
    Caution those who believe it's a crime ...
    Yet it's often agreed
    That more hurry's less speed—
    Not much reason, a whole lotta rhyme!
  109. Enjoying a trip on "Titanic" (*)
    If only 'twere more Puritanic
    Might have lasted more hours—
    After all, the Mayflower's
    Famous voyage was transoceanic!
  110. There's a nip in the air, love, tonight (*)
    Fiddler crabs have evolved powered flight
    Hear their violins screech
    As they soar down our beach ...
    And beware, 'cos they fly at butt height!
  111. A tongue-twister tweaker termed Twoles
    Served six seasick sheikhs saucy soles
    Said the sixth seasick sheikh:
    "Saucy sole is sure chic ...
    But I choose to chew rolls, eschew shoals!"
  112. What's a herblet? "Small herb" is no use
    By itself, since you cannot deduce
    What a herb is—you can't
    Know a herb is a plant
    Used as food to induce gastric juice!

  113. What's the difference—one guy's volunteered
    To peel onions, the other's been sheared
    Of his locks on the side? ...
    One's become teary-eyed
    And the other's become tidy-eared!

  114. There once was a fly on a wall
    Whom brave Humpty Dumpty saw fall
    Down to save her, he leapt ...
    But that leap was inept
    'Cos he won't reassemble at all!
  115. I often see signs for MEN WORKING
    Surrounded by managers shirking
    While one lonely guy
    Must his labor apply ...
    Wouldn't MAN WORKING signs be less irking?
  116. Bon Noel: en anglais: Happy Yule
    C'est magnifique: en anglais: Real cool
    Honi soit, mal y pense:
    Evil thoughts, evil wants ...
    So few gains, from my French pains in school!
  117. While swimming across the Zambezi
    Two crocs played a game of parcheesi
    By moving cig butts
    Round their teeth to their guts ...
    But the winner felt terribly queasy!
  118. While swimming across the Zambezi
    A croc met St. Frank of Assisi
    Said Frank, "From my hand
    You may eat—understand?" ...
    Now he wishes he spoke Crocodisi!
  119. Once a regular gnu at the zoo
    For six days could push no roughage through,
    While next day the zoo's chief
    Shared its sense of relief
    When it had its hebdomadal poo!

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