Limericks For 2024

Limericks for 2023

Matt and Nigel both went down below
For the I'm A Celebrity show
And were third—does it mean
Politicians are seen
As third-rate by the voters who know?

(December, 2023; appeared in the Daily Mail on the 19th)
Story here

Rishi's sure his Rwanda plan will
Have success once he's passed his new bill
To ship migrants offshore ...
But today's shipping score
Is Home Office Chiefs 3, Migrants 0!

(December, 2023)
Story here

Rainy

Rainy days bring a clear guarantee:
Alton Towers will let you back free
If it rained ... and the shower
Never stopped for an hour
You were there—or you still pay the fee!

(November, 2023)
Story here

Brits

Britain's leading the world with the fat
Raft of Japanese street litter that
It picked up: Britain, prone
To get trash-talked, has shown
Stuff exists that Brits aren't rubbish at!

(November, 2023; appeared in Oddball Magazine on 4th December)
Story here

Atoms

All the atoms that fuel a bomb
Threaten less than the molecules from
Oil that's frying a beast
Meant for Thanksgiving's feast
Should the atoms explode in the tom!

(November, 2023)
Story here

Even devils seem less sharply horned
When Suella is mad. So be warned:
As I've often heard tell,
There's no fury in Hell
Like a former Home Office chief scorned!

(November, 2023; appeared in the Daily Mail on the 28th)
Story here

Boris

Bigger fines, not a slap on the wrist,
Overridingly must, I insist,
Reinforce rules that I'd
Introduced, then defied—
Since I've proved they are otherwise dissed!

(November, 2023)
Story here

Starfish experts once knowingly said,
Starfish seem to be lacking a head.
Then they mapped starfish genes ...
Their analysis means
Stars are head and no body instead!

(November, 2023; appeared in the Daily Mail on the 10th)
Story here

Snoot

Second-snoot genes ensure that their sprog's
Not much plagued by the sniffles: this mog's
Out of tube to breathe through
Only if both her two
Treasured snoots have olfactory clogs!

(October, 2023; appeared in Oddball Magazine on 6th November)
Story here

Rishi

Rishi Sunak's not apt to careen
Into U-turns on tramlines between
Streets in Manchester and
Hubs for airplanes to land—
If they opened in Twenty Fourteen!

(October, 2023; appeared in Oddball Magazine on the 16th)
Story here

If you're only a hundred and two,
And the memory of bombers you flew
Makes you pine for a dare
In some rarified air,
Then a charity abseil's for you!

(September, 2023)
Story here

Wimps

When it isn't a matter of fact,
Interstellar dark matter's a packed
Mass of wimps, you may doubt
Proof can ever come out—
Since a wimp likes to not interact!

(August, 2023)
Story here

Newts

Newts are counted so slowly, they make
English homebuilders put on the brake,
Was a groundless ad-lib
Tossed by Boris—a phib ...
So amphibians newtered his lake!

(August, 2023)
Story here

Though the Ashes are doomed to remain
Down in Oz, England's bid to regain
Them, if not guaranteed,
Was on track to succeed—
Till washed out by the Manchester rain!

(July, 2023; appeared in the Daily Mail on the 26th)
Story here

Brain

Bird-brained human to human-brained bird:
Read our anti-bird spikes—be deterred!
Artful crow to dumb guy:
I read "humans supply
Nest components"—and I spread the word!

(July, 2023)
Story here

DLEIY

Drivers facing a backwards design,
Leaving Cambridge, were slow to divine
Egghead logic at play:
If it's backwards, "Give Way"
Yields a "Don't Lurch—Edge In, You!" road sign!

(July, 2023)
Story here

Though he's dropped an occasional catch,
Jonny Bairstow's the man of the match.
You protest? Jonny lopes
To the boundary ropes
After hoisting you up to dispatch!

(June, 2023; appeared in the Daily Mail on 6th July)
Story here

Subjecting the Kremlin to scrutiny,
Concluding its war is too Putin-y
And feeling empowered,
A guy who's no coward
Decided it's high time for mutiny.

(June, 2023; appeared in the Daily Mail on the 28th)
Story here

You play tunes in a black bearskin hat.
Add a red woollen tunic to that.
You are keeping the beat ...
Till you faint in the heat—
So the note that you end on is flat!

(June, 2023; appeared in the Daily Mail on the 16th)
Story here

Messi

Mounds of money can tell you why I'm
Entertaining Miami this time.
Smaller change, though, tells what
Saudi clubs could have got—
It's how fast I can turn on a dime!

(June, 2023)
Story here

Trump

Tons of money to fight my disgrace
Reaffirm I can count on my base
Underwriting me—though
My defense lawyers know
Paltry Pence may yet cost me my case!

(June, 2023)
Story here

Awash

A republican's far from dismayed
When the monarch's awash on parade
After getting his crown
Since the rain pouring down
Hints the gods mock the King's cavalcade!

(May, 2023)
Story here

Princess Anne, in row two, was preferred
To Prince Harry, whose row was the third,
Where her red feather plume
Blocked his view of the room—
Was she giving her nephew the bird?

(May, 2023; appeared in the Daily Mail on the 31st)
Story here

Mused a snooker ace, Luca Brecel:
I was hitting the cue ball so well,
I gave practice a rest
And I partied with zest—
Now the trophy is in my hotel!

(May, 2023; appeared in the Daily Mail on the 10th)
Story here

Chaka

Check what's learnt from my first MRI:
Human beings are dumber than I
Am. It can't diagnose
Kinks my penguin gait shows—
As it can't tell I'm trying to fly!

(April, 2023)
Story here

A Lift

An archbishop confessed: I ingest
Lots of uppers, but still feel depressed—
If a lift is induced
From these pills, it's a boost
To an Eeyorish level of zest!

(April, 2023)
Story here

Though Princes who took Grandma's shilling
Were warned not to shrink from fulfilling
Their duty, the Spare
Could be spared, while the heir
To the heir couldn't risk his top billing!

(April, 2023; appeared in the Daily Mail on the 20th)
Story here

Dildo

Dollars earmarked for drones to spread gore
In Ukraine and help Putin's armed corps
Lost their way—they paid for
Dildo shipments galore
On a mission of love against war!

(April, 2023)
Story here

After making his brother a lord,
Boris can't let his dad feel ignored.
So, to put matters right,
He'll make Stanley a knight—
If he only gets Rishi on board!

(March, 2023; appeared in the Daily Mail on the 21st)
Story here

"Since I come from so broken a home,"
Harry said, "It's my duty to comb
Through my past, which I do
As a service to you ...
As I profit by hawking my tome!"

(March, 2023; appeared in the Daily Mail on the 10th)
Story here

Nikki

Nikki Haley here, joining the field:
If you bully me, know I won't yield.
Know where I'll make you sore—
Kicking back hurts you more
If the foot that kicks back is high-heeled!

(February, 2023)
Story here

Claimed Beijing: It's not how it appeared.
Our balloon inadvertently veered
Through America's sky,
But to spy wasn't why—
Upper winds made it hard to be steered!

(February, 2023; appeared in the Daily Mail on the 10th)
Story here

Santa

Santa may not have come—or he may:
After tests on his snack's DNA,
New York City's old swab
Tallies up with fresh gob
At least partly, if not all the way!

(January, 2023)
Story here

Issac

I deserve more respect: I begat
Science watching an apple go splat.
So ass-backwards I'm not—
And yet that's what they've got
Carved in metal behind where you've sat!

(January, 2023; appeared in Light Poems of the Week on the 16th)
Story here

© 2023
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