Limericks for 2020
Once the Garden of England, now Kent
Is where trucks form a giant ser-pent
While those stranded with goods
Reconnoitre the woods
For a place that lets pennies be spent!
(December, 2020)
Story
here
It's time for all Brits to redouble
Their efforts against Covid trouble:
They yearn to hug Gran
But they worry their plan
Will risk bursting her safe Christmas bubble
(December, 2020; appeared in the Daily Mail on the 23rd)
Story
here
A Welshman whose blog was misleading
Was cleared of all reckless proceeding.
"Your honour," he pleaded,
"All limits were heeded—
It's only my lies that were speeding!"
(December, 2020)
Story
here
The buzz you get's merely symbolic
When Guinness is non-alcoholic.
But, if you have tried it,
The microbes inside it
Can still give you genuine colic!
(November, 2020)
Story
here
By being no alcohol user,
The Donald can't go to the boozer,
Today or tomorrow,
To drown all his sorrow
At being the planet's worst loser!
(November, 2020)
In Kentucky, the dog who can dash
And display rabbit-chasing panache
And come first in the poll
For a top civic role
Will as mayor represent Rabbit Hash!
(November, 2020)
Story
here
Once a driver whose train wouldn't stop
And was poised for a perilous drop
Owed his life to the tail
Of a large sculptured whale
When his train came to rest right on top!
(November, 2020; appeared in the Daily Mail on the 6th)
Story
here
If I lose, Donald moaned, in my bid,
To that sleepy old dumb Scranton kid,
Then by Covid I'm cursed:
I'll have lost to the WORST—
I'll have done just what Hillary did!
(October, 2020)
Story
here
The posture of Trump is so slouchy.
His temperament is dead grouchy.
His style is despotic
And what's idiotic
Is picking on Anthony Fauci!
(October, 2020)
Story
here
Once when Dominic, Boris and Matt
Knocked the Wirral's economy flat,
It punched back at their club
By renaming a pub
The Three Bellends—you losers, take that!
(October, 2020)
Story
here
Once a loyal VP called Mike Pence,
While debating in Donald's defence,
So attracted a fly
That you have to ask why—
What's he full of that gives off such scents?
(October, 2020; appeared in the Daily Mail on the 14th)
Story
here
Once a village in Wales came to see
Age is stronger than youth in IT
'Cos at seven each day
Its new broadband gave way
To a villager's ancient TV!
(September, 2020)
Story
here
"When XR protesters go floppy
We don't want the others to copy"
Complained a top cop—
"So we've asked them to stop
'Cos it makes the police look so stroppy!"
(September, 2020)
Story
here
"When Great Britain was set to withdraw,"
Boris Johnson said, "no one foresaw
What I promised you will
Not accord with my bill—
So it's fine to start breaking the law!"
(September, 2020)
Story
here
Once a Frenchman tried swatting a fly
With his racket's electric supply
But his gas supply leaked
Where the fly had just streaked
And the spark blew his kitchen sky high!
(September, 2020)
Story
here
Once on Twitter I read in a post
Down in Kew someone's making the most
Of avoiding the fee
While he's watching TV—
And I've heard it is George the Third's ghost!
(August, 2020)
Story
here
Now sheep prices can so quickly rise
That a third of a million buys
Not a flock, but one beast—
Did its buyers get fleeced
'Cos it pulled the wool over their eyes?
(August, 2020)
Story
here
Now Last Night of the Proms has waylaid
Fears traditional tunes won't be played:
To address Covid's need
The old Beeb has decreed
Rule Britannia be played—but not sprayed!
(August, 2020)
Story
here
How d'you tell between Lord's and the Lords?
One's had hordes who've scored high on its boards
While the other looks bored
And is sowing dis-cord
With low scores by some hordes that it hoards!
(August, 2020)
Story
here
Once I asked: why does Gavin adhere
To "world's best" for what's coming this year?
Is that phrase a best fit? ...
Then I had to admit
At incompetence he has no peer!
(August, 2020)
Story
here
A U-turn for some's a disaster.
For Boris it's something to master.
As U-turns keep mounting
You're forced to stop counting
When U-turns reach warp speed and faster!
(August, 2020)
Story
here
Moaned the Donald: 'I lack perfect hair
'Cos my shower's a low-flow affair.
With my shower turned on
Half the water is gone'—
But I think it's his hair that's not there!
(August, 2020; appeared in the Daily Mail on the 18th)
Story
here
Once a laptop got filched by a brute
So the owner set off in pursuit
To recover his goods
He did streak through the woods
While displaying his full birthday suit!
(August, 2020)
Story
here
Once a selfie-mad tourist did dare
On a sculpture to sprawl without care
But he snapped off three toes
Of a dame in repose
And must pay for expensive repair!
(August, 2020; appeared in the Daily Mail on the 11th)
Story
here
When the Duke of York's daughter was wed
There were photos of which it was said:
What a beautiful scene
With the bride and the Queen! ...
Oh, but who has cropped out Andrew's head?
(July, 2020)
Story
here
Now to Windsor has Captain Tom been,
'Twas a scene that had never been seen.
To avoid Covid scare
In the full open air
Was our Tom made a knight by the Queen!
(July, 2020; appeared in the Daily Mail on the 23rd)
Story
here
A Colombian frog yearned to roam
One that carried a Welsh chromosome
It rode five thousand miles
Among Asda fruit piles
And now Haverfordwest is its home!
(July, 2020; appeared in the Daily Mail on the 21st)
Story
here
"I'm as fit as a butcher's own dog!"
Declared Boris, "not just 'cos I jog
Or I push up my weight ...
But because I'm up late
Changing nappies and feeding the sprog!"
(July, 2020; appeared in the Daily Mail on the 2nd)
Story
here
A medical expert beseeches:
"Please distance at two-metre reaches!"
But "common-sense" British
Yell "Caution? So skittish!"
And throng in their thousands to beaches!
(June, 2020)
Story
here
Farewell to the lovely Dame Vera
In war she was Britain's great cheerer
As Sweetheart to Forces
In war's many courses
She sang out the hope of an era!
(June, 2020)
Story
here
Once a fish by itself in a pool
Was advised to return to its school
But refused to comply
And replied when asked why:
I'm obeying the two-metre rule!
(June, 2020)
Story
here
Once when healthcare was stretched very thin
The old eye chart got chucked in a bin
And replaced by the tsar
With a drive in a car—
For both doctor and patient, win-win!
(June, 2020)
Story
here
"Now they wonder which planet we're from!"
Grumbled Boris, still standing by Dom.
"This explosive out-cry
From the public ain't why
I once said to you, "Dom, you're the bomb!"
(May, 2020)
Story
here
The Downing Street wizard stayed hidden
Till Dorothies who'd been forbidden
To visit their kin
Said "We must turn him in
And reveal he's no wizard—no kiddin'!"
(May, 2020)
Story
here
He whom Health received millions from
Capped a century graced with aplomb
By inspiring us all
To be brave and stand tall
And arising as Captain Sir Tom!
(May, 2020)
Story
here
Once some farmers who wished to express
To health workers their great thankful-ness
Had their sheep all convene
On a hillside so green
Where they clearly spelt out: NHS!
(April, 2020)
Story
here
Once a doughty old Captain Tom Moore
Thought the Health Service shouldn't be poor
So by circling his grounds
Many million pounds
Did he raise towards funding its cure!
(April, 2020; appeared in the Daily Mail on the 29th)
Story
here
There once was a time of anxiety
When Thatcher regained notoriety
The words of her song
Were by Boris ruled wrong:
There IS such a thing as society!
(March, 2020; appeared in the Daily Mail on 7th April)
Story
here
Once a vicar set out to achieve
Making viewers online all believe
That the Light of the Lord
Should be never ignored ...
Which was true—it set fire to his sleeve!
(March, 2020; appeared in the Daily Mail on the 27th)
Story
here
Once a pony laughed: Only the daft
Think draught animals stick to a shaft
We would rather abscond ...
'Tis of Guinness I'm fond
And I go to the pub for my draught!
(March, 2020)
Story
here
A wonderful beast is the beaver
In Devon an overachiever:
It boosts flood defences
Improves wildlife census
And serves as pollution reliever!
(February, 2020)
Story
here
Said a guy with an Amazon van
At the door of a ninetyish gran:
"I've brought sherry today!" ...
But then drove it away—
'Cos the proof of her age didn't scan!
(January, 2020)
Story
here
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